Tales of the Bolinas Border Patrol
Masquerading as the Border Patrol, a group of cowardly thugs beat and stabbed homeless
community member, Rickey Green, chanting the words, "Border Patrol! Border Patrol!," and then
leaving Green for dead on Brighton Avenue.
Upon learning of the incident, Border Patrol members leaped into action and urged any witnesses to
turn themselves in to authorities, lest the reputation of the entire community be sullied. Thanks to a
media onslaught brought on by the incident, the BBP press office has been fielding calls from
reporters, assuring them that the mythical organization has nothing to do with the incident.
The current incarnation of the BBP changed its name several years ago to "Bolinas Community," in
an effort to do away with a name that might frighten the growing Hispanic community and to make
them feel welcome in town.
A BBP elder and founding member said that he hoped that the young people involved had learned a
difficult lesson from the violence, and that they would work hard in the future to apologize to the
victim, and devote themselves to making sure incidents like this did not happen again.
*** *** ***
The egging of a film crew in downtown Bolinas was part of a covert action by the Bolinas Border
Patrol, it has been learned. What is not clear is whether the filmmakers, in town to shoot scenes for
a SciFi Channel thriller about Werewolves, were targeted for their pagan themed movie, or because
they were from out of town and had set up a "honey-wagon" toilet across the street from the
Calvary Presbyterian Church, where scenes for the movie were being filmed.
The egging of the crew - and extreme measure even by local standards - was ordered by the top
levels of the Bolinas Border Patrol, according to a memo found in the bushes on the nearby hill.
One directive ordered Border Patrol subversives to buy a crate of eggs, just as long as the eggs
were not from chickens that were treated inhumanely. "Use only Cage Free and Organic eggs,
which are from humane farms, in order to teach them a lesson," read the memo, which was written
on Border Patrol letterhead.
At approximately 11 AM, as the crew was readying for an establishing shot, eggs began to fly.
"It was like Armageddon," said Al K.Hallick, a transient. "I tried to get out of the way but was
nailed with egg shell shrapnel and yolk. I was trying to get a bagel and cream cheese. It was totally
over the top."
The egging went on for what seemed like an hour but was really only ten minutes. During that time,
observers say, some Border Patrol members were caught mugging for the camera and trying to get
into shots. None of them appeared to have a SAG card on their person.
"One of them was rather unseemly," said Scabies Sue, who was visiting with the film crew. "Let me
just say that he was attempting to do a love scene with Adrienne Barbeau, who was having nothing
to do with him."
Reached for comment, a Border Patrol official said that the group switched from water balloons, the
BBP's long-time secret weapon, to eggs, due to the high profile of the filmmaking crew.
"They had invited the press from over the hill and they were making this a real extravaganza," said
the Border Patrol official. "We had to take swift action to avert discovery and to send a strong
message that we won't tolerate made-for-TV movies being filmed in our town.
"Give us theatrical release or give us death!" shouted the BBP official.
*** *** ***
I won't mention any names but I recall that two Border Patrol operatives had gotten tired of taking
guff from a part-time resident they worked for who constantly espoused abusive sentiments about
the individuals. It had become too much for anyone to take. The members staked out the
weekender's house, and when he was out on a walk, went to the bathroom (#2) on the hood of his
expensive vehicle. The weekender was outraged and made accusations to the sheriff. Deputies
investigated but ultimately determined (privately) that the sourpuss probably had gotten what he
deserved.
*** *** ***
One afternoon, “T” had taken his beautiful girlfriend, “E,” on a car ride to the outskirts of town to
water his pot patch. They sat on the ground near the patch enjoying a picnic lunch. It was a beautiful
sunny day, and soon the privacy and the breeze got the best of them and they found themselves on
the ground, making passionate love. When they were finished, E's head bent back and she spotted
something in a nearby tree. It was a box. And inside the box was a video camera. It was apparent
that the sheriff's had spotted the pot patch and were going to nab the growers on film before going in
for an arrest.
T and E hightailed it down to Smiley's where a Border Patrol contingency was organized. They
drove out to the spot, snuck up behind the tree, and freed the Sony High 8 camcorder from its box,
wires and all. They then wrapped the unit in a plastic garbage bag and buried it deep in the mud
alongside the Bolinas Lagoon. Soon enough, the sheriff deputies came looking for the camcorder.
They began spreading the word that they no longer cared about the marijuana that had been
growing -- they just wanted the camera back. It was an expensive model worth about $1,500.
The Border Patrol members discussed it and decided they could give it back -- minus the tape that
had caught so much activity. A decision was made to leave a message for the deputies at the Pt.
Reyes substation. Someone dug up the camera and drove it to the secret drop off spot, which was
in the bushes, behind Pan Toll Ranger Station, on top of Mt. Tam.
A day or so later, perplexed deputies patrolled down - looking for the perpetrators. One deputy
confided to a bartender that they were just relieved that they didn't have to file a report about losing
the camera.
*** *** ***
I have it on good word that the last time the Bolinas sign was stolen out at the highway, that it was a
truly embarrassing moment for Cal Trans and the Highway Patrol. It seems that two Border Patrol
members were driving back into town after a day of work over the hill. As they were about to turn
off, they spotted a freshly constructed "Bolinas 2 Miles" sign at the northern entrance. They pulled
over, took out the chainsaw, and revved it up to saw down the sign
Just then - rustling in the bushes! It was Cal Trans and the California Highway Patrol and it was a
SIGN STING! The CHP handcuffed the men and put them into the back of a squad car, and
drove them over to the Fairfax Road entrance to process them for warrants. Then, one of the
officers instructed a Cal Trans lackey to collect the Bolinas 2 Miles sign because it would be needed
for evidence.
A few minutes later the Cal Trans dude returned - empty handed. The sign, in fact, was gone! As it
turns out, in all the excitement of the big bust, they had missed another Border Patrol associate who
spotted the sign from his truck, pulled over, yanked it down, and threw it into the back of his truck.
The accused offenders were soon freed by the CHP -- lack of evidence.
Meanwhile, down at Smiley's, the saloon roared as everyone learned about the escapade. Soon, all
three sign stealer's were clinking shot glasses while the sign remained safely outside in the back of
the truck.
*** *** ***
BLACK TIE IN BOLINAS: We also know for a fact that the infamous Bolinas Border Patrol
crashed the recent wedding of Hillary Clinton's former aide at Susie and Mark Buell's party barn in
Bolinas. Yes, Hillary and Chelsea were there, dancing away. (Chelsea also dined recently at
TraVigne in St. Helena, but not on the same night Babs was there).
Due to their attire, the crashers got spotted rather quickly, and were asked (nicely) to leave before
the Secret Service spotted them.
Memo to Border Patrol: rent black tie for undercover work.
(From Jeannine Yeomans "North of the Gate,” San Francisco Chronicle, July 20, 2001)